[ The joke definitely doesn't land, but she knows what he's trying to do and wets her lips, trying to be as calm as he's attempting to make her think he is. But when he asks what she wants, she figures this is the only time she'll be able to get what she truly wants. ]
I want you to hold me.
[ She has no hesitation and no shame in her voice. She almost died because he almost killed her, and Missy's still out there somewhere. Clara feels stupid for falling for her tricks, for giving her even a modicum of her trust. She wants to bury her face against the Doctor's chest and let him soothe her mind. It's the only thing she can think to want, but that doesn't mean he has to say yes. ]
Please.
[ She adds that quietly, and she's able to just barely move her hand, her fingers brushing against his leg. ]
[The words hang in the air as he echoes her request. Physical affection and physical touch - even the thought of it sends a prickle of nerves through his system. He had been so willingly open with it before and while there was nothing wrong with that he can't help but wonder if it got to his own head. That's why he had told her that he wasn't his boyfriend.
Physical touch meant something to people and not so much to others. It meant something to Clara and he could see it in her eyes. Rory and Amy were still fresh in his mind in horrifying clarity and he hadn't wanted to suffer heartbreak again in a different form. If he wanted to sit down and psychoanalyze himself, maybe that was why he shied from touch, specifically her touch beyond a hand hold. He swallows the lump in his throat and he wants to tell her that that can't be what she needs right now -
But then she reaches for him with the softest butterfly touch and he relents. A beat follows. He nods.]
Just let me finish bandaging these up. [His fingers work steadily and when he's done he slowly takes his shoes and jacket off before climbing into bed beside her. Wrapping her slight body in his arms, he pulls her close.]
[ Clara can feel the cogs of his mind turning and she can't begin to describe the way it hurts her feelings, that he can't even agree after she's been trapped inside a Dalek without hesitating. She tries not to miss his younger self but she does.
But for as hurt as she is, the second he pulls her into his arms she completely falls apart. She can't be brave anymore, she's too tired, and it all pours out of her until she can't anymore and his shirt is soaked. Taking a deep breath, she shudders when she lets it out, voice hoarse and thin. ]
[He can practically hear all the past companions he's ever traveled with admonishing him in their own way, some more explicit than others. He knows he's being an idiot. He knows that it should just be that easy. After everything she had gone through today a hug was the least of the things that he should have been hesitant about. In fact, it was the least he could do. But there he was, being selfish again. Running into danger and letting anyone and everything get caught in the crosshairs.
The Doctor feels her body shudder before he hears her sob and he has to brace himself. Her cries pierce his hearts like knives and he holds her close, arms trying to provide a safe place. Trying to tell her that he's sorry, that he's a moron and that even like this she's a braver person than he'll ever be.]
Don't apologize. I'm the one who should be apologizing. [His hand strokes the top of her head continuing to let her cry. She should never be like this. This isn't how he wants her to be.] I'm sorry, Clara. I'm sorry.
[ She sniffles and doesn't move, staying within the circle of his arms. She can feel the rest of her body now, and with some relief she curls herself up as small as she can. ]
It wasn't your fault. It was Missy.
[ Clara swallows after saying her name. ] She made me believe her. I believed her.
[Missy. The thought of her always brings a rise of complicated emotions including anger to what she's done to Clara and his brow furrows outside of Clara's view.]
It wasn't your fault. You look for the best in people. [They both did.] Even when they don't deserve it.
[The Doctor takes another moment to answer her question because his ego rears its head. He knows Clara isn't asking why he hadn't figured it out sooner but the critical voice in his head makes it sound like that. It's his own voice, criticizing him for not being more clever, for not knowing, for getting blindsided by his own anger and hate that he couldn't see what was right in front of him. His Clara.
His body deflates, a hint of shame and anger mixing into his voice.]
I didn't know. I thought that there was something in the way it - you - spoke. Something desperate and pleading.
[ Her hands fist in his shirt and Clara closes her eyes, unable to find another thought before exhaustion sweeps through her and she's asleep before meaning to be. Not for long though; she has a dream, that nightmare on the edge of her vision. She's trapped and she's begging him not to go.
But then he walks away and she's left screaming that she's human. She wakes herself up with her own scream on her lips and tears on her cheeks, flailing her limbs in an effort to burst out of a Dalek shell that isn't there. ]
[The Doctor waits for her to say something, waits for her to be upset or to cuss him out - anything really because he feels like he deserves it but also because it would mean Clara wouldn't feel broken in his arms.
But it doesn't come. He feels her breathe and her mind even out into a steady beat and he can't help but hold her close choosing to stay there instead of leave.
He doesn't sleep; not really. If anything he's lulled into a meditation by their heartbeats falling into time. But he's ripped from his meditation by Clara screaming and catching him in the face. Panicked, lets go slightly only to give her room to move. It's only when she's stopped flailing that he reaches for her, gently moving to put his hands on her cautiously.]
[ As soon as she's clear-headed and realization sinks in, Clara slumps against him again but she doesn't cry. The dream took too much out of her already. She won't sleep again either, she knows that.
Pressing a hand to her forehead she winces. ] My head is killing me. [ It's a quiet murmur between them, though her voice is still shaking. ]
[His hands tremble slightly just like Clara's voice as they hover around her, uncertain about what to do. He's never been good at this caring thing - Clara is his carer, his other half that provides a voice of reason and compassion when he fails to do those things himself. He worries that he'll hurt her again more than he already has.
But it's exactly for that reason that he has to do something for her.]
May I?
[His hands reach hesitantly for her head, and if she let him, he gently cups her head, bringing their foreheads together to touch sending out waves of soothing energy towards her mind.]
[ She doesn't protest at all, and any lingering hurt she felt when he hesitated to pull her close fades away. As soon as their foreheads touch she lets out a soft breath and closes her eyes. ]
How are you doing this?
[ Clara's words come out just slightly above a whisper. She doesn't know what he's doing, but it feels safe and she feels like somehow he's just tightened his grip on her. ]
[He can feel her mind beginning to calm, the suggestion he had made taking hold on Clara. Slowly his thumbs begin to draw slow circles around her temples in an attempt to provide some level of relief.]
Your brain waves are all muddled for good reason so this is supposed to help smooth them out. Slow them down. [He knows the answer to his question but he'd rather hear it from her.] How are you feeling?
[ Clara always, always wants to stand strong, to be brave. He saved her, he found her and didn't kill her. She'll live, she'll be fine, and they'll go on to thwart another threat. ]
I'm okay.
[ What a whopper of a lie that is. But she's trying. ]
I think I had a dream about one of the echos. I dunno if that's possible, but you were there. It was you, the younger you, and I was in a Dalek, stuck inside. Did that happen? Did you meet a version of me that died inside a Dalek?
[The Doctor remembers that time. Oswin. She had been every bit as brave, intelligent and sassy as Clara was. And even though he knew Oswin had been echo, it was still a painful tug at his heart.
He nods in reply.]
Her name was Oswin. We called her Soufflรฉ Girl because she kept making them; or rather she thought she was making them. She saved us. She saved me.
[ She says the word quietly, unsure what to say now that he's confirmed it. ]
If she saved you then she did what I'd have done with whatever I had left. [ And isn't that why she jumped into his time stream anyway? To make sure of exactly that. At least she knows it worked. ]
[He falls silent for a moment, partly as a remembrance to Oswin but also to contemplate the perpetual meaning of Clara constantly being put in the path of danger for him - not even by accident sometimes but on her own volition. He knows the smarter thing to stop that from happening is to leave her back in Lancashire with her ordinary job trying to out-teach the pudding brain.]
They take after you for a reason. [He goes to brush the hair that's matted with sweat away from her brow.] Brave even when you shouldn't have to be. Brave because sometimes that's the only choice.
[ Clara's eyes rest on the Doctor's; they're red-rimmed from crying but clear for now. This is the closest she's been to him since he regenerated, the most he's touched her. She could cry just from that alone, but instead she closes her eyes. ]
Do you remember Akhaten? You were letting that massive sun take everything from you. I never knew what brave looked like until then. You were doing that to save everyone. To save me.
Shut up. [ Her voice sounds tired when she says it, but she doesn't look away from him. ]
It is brave to never walk away. I don't understand why you can't just hear it. No one else was trying to do the decent thing, just you. You, by yourself.
[The Doctor's stubborn side rears its head and he can't help but huff.]
That's what I'm there for. So one else has to. [But he didn't want to talk about himself and his martyrdom qualities. This isn't about him.] What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't have ever be put in that position, Clara. And it's my fault. I should have noticed sooner I should have done something. Anything to avoid this.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
makemeasong) wrote2022-08-20 11:07 am
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I want you to hold me.
[ She has no hesitation and no shame in her voice. She almost died because he almost killed her, and Missy's still out there somewhere. Clara feels stupid for falling for her tricks, for giving her even a modicum of her trust. She wants to bury her face against the Doctor's chest and let him soothe her mind. It's the only thing she can think to want, but that doesn't mean he has to say yes. ]
Please.
[ She adds that quietly, and she's able to just barely move her hand, her fingers brushing against his leg. ]
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[The words hang in the air as he echoes her request. Physical affection and physical touch - even the thought of it sends a prickle of nerves through his system. He had been so willingly open with it before and while there was nothing wrong with that he can't help but wonder if it got to his own head. That's why he had told her that he wasn't his boyfriend.
Physical touch meant something to people and not so much to others. It meant something to Clara and he could see it in her eyes. Rory and Amy were still fresh in his mind in horrifying clarity and he hadn't wanted to suffer heartbreak again in a different form. If he wanted to sit down and psychoanalyze himself, maybe that was why he shied from touch, specifically her touch beyond a hand hold. He swallows the lump in his throat and he wants to tell her that that can't be what she needs right now -
But then she reaches for him with the softest butterfly touch and he relents. A beat follows. He nods.]
Just let me finish bandaging these up. [His fingers work steadily and when he's done he slowly takes his shoes and jacket off before climbing into bed beside her. Wrapping her slight body in his arms, he pulls her close.]
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But for as hurt as she is, the second he pulls her into his arms she completely falls apart. She can't be brave anymore, she's too tired, and it all pours out of her until she can't anymore and his shirt is soaked. Taking a deep breath, she shudders when she lets it out, voice hoarse and thin. ]
Sorry.
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The Doctor feels her body shudder before he hears her sob and he has to brace himself. Her cries pierce his hearts like knives and he holds her close, arms trying to provide a safe place. Trying to tell her that he's sorry, that he's a moron and that even like this she's a braver person than he'll ever be.]
Don't apologize. I'm the one who should be apologizing. [His hand strokes the top of her head continuing to let her cry. She should never be like this. This isn't how he wants her to be.] I'm sorry, Clara. I'm sorry.
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It wasn't your fault. It was Missy.
[ Clara swallows after saying her name. ] She made me believe her. I believed her.
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It wasn't your fault. You look for the best in people. [They both did.] Even when they don't deserve it.
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[ Her voice is whisper quiet, a little muffled against his chest. After a few seconds of being quiet she can't help but wonder. ]
How did you know? You were so close to... [ Clara chokes off that sentence with a sniffle. ] What made you stop?
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His body deflates, a hint of shame and anger mixing into his voice.]
I didn't know. I thought that there was something in the way it - you - spoke. Something desperate and pleading.
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But then he walks away and she's left screaming that she's human. She wakes herself up with her own scream on her lips and tears on her cheeks, flailing her limbs in an effort to burst out of a Dalek shell that isn't there. ]
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But it doesn't come. He feels her breathe and her mind even out into a steady beat and he can't help but hold her close choosing to stay there instead of leave.
He doesn't sleep; not really. If anything he's lulled into a meditation by their heartbeats falling into time. But he's ripped from his meditation by Clara screaming and catching him in the face. Panicked, lets go slightly only to give her room to move. It's only when she's stopped flailing that he reaches for her, gently moving to put his hands on her cautiously.]
Clara! Clara it's okay. I'm here, you're safe.
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Pressing a hand to her forehead she winces. ] My head is killing me. [ It's a quiet murmur between them, though her voice is still shaking. ]
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But it's exactly for that reason that he has to do something for her.]
May I?
[His hands reach hesitantly for her head, and if she let him, he gently cups her head, bringing their foreheads together to touch sending out waves of soothing energy towards her mind.]
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How are you doing this?
[ Clara's words come out just slightly above a whisper. She doesn't know what he's doing, but it feels safe and she feels like somehow he's just tightened his grip on her. ]
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[He can feel her mind beginning to calm, the suggestion he had made taking hold on Clara. Slowly his thumbs begin to draw slow circles around her temples in an attempt to provide some level of relief.]
Your brain waves are all muddled for good reason so this is supposed to help smooth them out. Slow them down. [He knows the answer to his question but he'd rather hear it from her.] How are you feeling?
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I'm okay.
[ What a whopper of a lie that is. But she's trying. ]
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Clara, you can be honest with me. You don't have to be strong right now.
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I think I had a dream about one of the echos. I dunno if that's possible, but you were there. It was you, the younger you, and I was in a Dalek, stuck inside. Did that happen? Did you meet a version of me that died inside a Dalek?
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He nods in reply.]
Her name was Oswin. We called her Soufflรฉ Girl because she kept making them; or rather she thought she was making them. She saved us. She saved me.
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[ She says the word quietly, unsure what to say now that he's confirmed it. ]
If she saved you then she did what I'd have done with whatever I had left. [ And isn't that why she jumped into his time stream anyway? To make sure of exactly that. At least she knows it worked. ]
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They take after you for a reason. [He goes to brush the hair that's matted with sweat away from her brow.] Brave even when you shouldn't have to be. Brave because sometimes that's the only choice.
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[ Clara's eyes rest on the Doctor's; they're red-rimmed from crying but clear for now. This is the closest she's been to him since he regenerated, the most he's touched her. She could cry just from that alone, but instead she closes her eyes. ]
Do you remember Akhaten? You were letting that massive sun take everything from you. I never knew what brave looked like until then. You were doing that to save everyone. To save me.
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Clara, I'm not brave. I was just trying to do the decent thing and [His gaze lingers on hers.] I had a duty of care.
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It is brave to never walk away. I don't understand why you can't just hear it. No one else was trying to do the decent thing, just you. You, by yourself.
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That's what I'm there for. So one else has to. [But he didn't want to talk about himself and his martyrdom qualities. This isn't about him.] What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't have ever be put in that position, Clara. And it's my fault. I should have noticed sooner I should have done something. Anything to avoid this.
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Clara's eyes move over his face, wanting him to put the blame where it really goes for the first time in his life, instead of his own shoulders.
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