[ She says the word quietly, unsure what to say now that he's confirmed it. ]
If she saved you then she did what I'd have done with whatever I had left. [ And isn't that why she jumped into his time stream anyway? To make sure of exactly that. At least she knows it worked. ]
[He falls silent for a moment, partly as a remembrance to Oswin but also to contemplate the perpetual meaning of Clara constantly being put in the path of danger for him - not even by accident sometimes but on her own volition. He knows the smarter thing to stop that from happening is to leave her back in Lancashire with her ordinary job trying to out-teach the pudding brain.]
They take after you for a reason. [He goes to brush the hair that's matted with sweat away from her brow.] Brave even when you shouldn't have to be. Brave because sometimes that's the only choice.
[ Clara's eyes rest on the Doctor's; they're red-rimmed from crying but clear for now. This is the closest she's been to him since he regenerated, the most he's touched her. She could cry just from that alone, but instead she closes her eyes. ]
Do you remember Akhaten? You were letting that massive sun take everything from you. I never knew what brave looked like until then. You were doing that to save everyone. To save me.
Shut up. [ Her voice sounds tired when she says it, but she doesn't look away from him. ]
It is brave to never walk away. I don't understand why you can't just hear it. No one else was trying to do the decent thing, just you. You, by yourself.
[The Doctor's stubborn side rears its head and he can't help but huff.]
That's what I'm there for. So one else has to. [But he didn't want to talk about himself and his martyrdom qualities. This isn't about him.] What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't have ever be put in that position, Clara. And it's my fault. I should have noticed sooner I should have done something. Anything to avoid this.
[His relationship with Missy has been, and he suspects, always will be complicated. It's a never ending cycle of him thinking that maybe, just maybe, he's gotten through to her before her chaos wins out in the end.]
Clara I -
[He so desperately wants to blame Missy. But even with that slow, roiling anger there, he can't. He doesn't want to point fingers. All he can think about is that Clara is here and how he felt when he thought that she had been truly dead. His hearts grip again at the thought and he just presses his forehead with a little more pressure into hers.] The point that I think Missy ended up proving to me was that I just can't stand to lose you.
[ Her mouth opens, then closes, but the intensity of his words coupled with the way his forehead presses against hers makes her rethink everything she was about to say. ]
I'm your weakness.
[ The realization makes her heart give a solid thump in her chest before meeting his gaze, suddenly afraid for a totally different reason. ]
[He's closed his eyes - for what reason he doesn't know. Maybe not to look too long at Clara with her big, brown eyes always full of emotion and feeling, or just to give himself a moment of respite - but they snap open when she utters those words.
His thoughts from before about her leaving being the best choice for her own safety surface again. It doesn't even cross his mind to think about her being his weakness, his potential downfall.]
[After what just happened he wouldn't have been surprised if she demanded he take her back home. The Doctor knows he should level set with her. For all their running about and adventures, Clara was still human with delicate, fragile human skin. She could die and he might not be able to bring her back and the thought grips him with so much fear that as much as he wants to send her back to her normal life, he wants her there beside him to keep her safe. To keep him level.
It's as selfish a reason as it is noble. It reeks of dependency, but he still can't bring him to say that she should go.
He needs her.]
It is. But something worse could still happen. What then, Clara?
[ She's quiet, already knowing what she wants to say, trying to decide if she wants to open this particular wound. But she will. She does. ]
Danny stepped out into the street and then he was gone. He was in a war and died because a car didn't stop. Nothing is guaranteed, Doctor. Do you understand? You could drop me off tomorrow and tell yourself I'll be safe forever, but we both know that's not how it works. Not always. Not for everyone.
[ Not for her mum, or Angie and Artie's mum, and not for Danny. ]
[The Doctor canβt help but swallow the lump in his throat. He knows that sheβs being pragmatic just like he would in a moment like this. Every day could be their last, but heβs lost the acceptance of death that heβd had with his younger face.
His voice is low.]
I know. I know that better than anyone.
[His gaze holds hers, thumb running over her temple, resolving to himself that if anything happened to her, heβd go to hell and back to bring her back safe.]
[ Clara holds her gaze steady on his before turning her head to press her lips to his palm. She lingers, closing her eyes. When she opens them again she doesn't look away from him. ]
Do you think I could ever lose you? Do you think that's acceptable to me?
[The place where her lips meet generates a warm spot on his palm and it lingers there, loosening the knot in his stomach. He gives her a watery chuckle although his eyes aren't damp.]
As you love to remind me, you jumped into my time stream to save me.
And I'd do it again you daft old man. There isn't a part of my life I can imagine that doesn't have you in it. I don't even know how to go back to that anymore. I couldn't.
[ Not even for someone who loved her, as it turned out. ]
[He gathers her hands in his again, squeezing them tight. A part of him wants to kiss her hands in return but he holds himself back from doing so settling for this for now.]
And I'm lucky for it. [He smiles a closed lip smile before scoffing, still holding to her hands.] And here I was supposed to be comforting you. How do you do that?
Ooh, I should add backpay to my list of things to do, shouldn't I?
[The Doctor's tone is also light and joking, but it doesn't quite meet his eyes.
His hand goes to cover hers and he knows what she's referring to even without her saying it or him reading her mind. He hates that he hesitated when she asked. It had been selfish and it was the least he could have done for her who had done so much for him, and had just gone through something she never should have. A wry smile comes to his face.]
Always room for improvement, right? I accept most feedback.
[And he means it. As angry as he should be with Missy, she at least brought about this realization about. The walls he had put up between himself and Clara didn't need to be there even if he had thought he had done it with best intention.]
And I swear this won't ever happen again, Clara. Not ever.
[ She knows he'll do anything to keep her safe, to put himself between her and danger. She also knows he can't always protect her, but he'll try. He'll always try.
The thumb of one hand smooths over his forehead lightly. ]
I know. Honestly, track record's not bad.
[ Clara knows eventually they should both shake it off, go somewhere new and do what they always do. But if she moves, she's afraid it'll be the last time she's ever this close to him. So she doesn't move, deciding she'll stay curled against him as long as he's willing to stay. ]
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makemeasong) wrote2022-08-20 11:07 am
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[ She says the word quietly, unsure what to say now that he's confirmed it. ]
If she saved you then she did what I'd have done with whatever I had left. [ And isn't that why she jumped into his time stream anyway? To make sure of exactly that. At least she knows it worked. ]
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They take after you for a reason. [He goes to brush the hair that's matted with sweat away from her brow.] Brave even when you shouldn't have to be. Brave because sometimes that's the only choice.
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[ Clara's eyes rest on the Doctor's; they're red-rimmed from crying but clear for now. This is the closest she's been to him since he regenerated, the most he's touched her. She could cry just from that alone, but instead she closes her eyes. ]
Do you remember Akhaten? You were letting that massive sun take everything from you. I never knew what brave looked like until then. You were doing that to save everyone. To save me.
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Clara, I'm not brave. I was just trying to do the decent thing and [His gaze lingers on hers.] I had a duty of care.
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It is brave to never walk away. I don't understand why you can't just hear it. No one else was trying to do the decent thing, just you. You, by yourself.
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That's what I'm there for. So one else has to. [But he didn't want to talk about himself and his martyrdom qualities. This isn't about him.] What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't have ever be put in that position, Clara. And it's my fault. I should have noticed sooner I should have done something. Anything to avoid this.
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Clara's eyes move over his face, wanting him to put the blame where it really goes for the first time in his life, instead of his own shoulders.
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Clara I -
[He so desperately wants to blame Missy. But even with that slow, roiling anger there, he can't. He doesn't want to point fingers. All he can think about is that Clara is here and how he felt when he thought that she had been truly dead. His hearts grip again at the thought and he just presses his forehead with a little more pressure into hers.] The point that I think Missy ended up proving to me was that I just can't stand to lose you.
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I'm your weakness.
[ The realization makes her heart give a solid thump in her chest before meeting his gaze, suddenly afraid for a totally different reason. ]
Are you gonna make me go?
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His thoughts from before about her leaving being the best choice for her own safety surface again. It doesn't even cross his mind to think about her being his weakness, his potential downfall.]
Why would I make you go? Do you want to go?
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[ One hand wraps around his arm as she looks at him, trying to make sure he can see that she means it. ]
It's you and me, right?
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It's as selfish a reason as it is noble. It reeks of dependency, but he still can't bring him to say that she should go.
He needs her.]
It is. But something worse could still happen. What then, Clara?
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Danny stepped out into the street and then he was gone. He was in a war and died because a car didn't stop. Nothing is guaranteed, Doctor. Do you understand? You could drop me off tomorrow and tell yourself I'll be safe forever, but we both know that's not how it works. Not always. Not for everyone.
[ Not for her mum, or Angie and Artie's mum, and not for Danny. ]
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His voice is low.]
I know. I know that better than anyone.
[His gaze holds hers, thumb running over her temple, resolving to himself that if anything happened to her, heβd go to hell and back to bring her back safe.]
Which is why youβre so important, Clara.
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Do you think I could ever lose you? Do you think that's acceptable to me?
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As you love to remind me, you jumped into my time stream to save me.
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[ Not even for someone who loved her, as it turned out. ]
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And I'm lucky for it. [He smiles a closed lip smile before scoffing, still holding to her hands.] And here I was supposed to be comforting you. How do you do that?
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[ Her hands squeeze his in return. ]
We need one another, Doctor. So until you make me go, you're stuck with me doing annoying things like knowing what you need before you do.
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[He says it teasingly. Adoringly even.]
I really should think about paying you more. Hazard pay.
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[ She smiles just a little though, reaching out to press her hand to the side of her face. ]
This is payment enough. If you really do a bang up job with your duty of care, you'll never have to worry about my asking for this again.
[ Her feelings are still a little hurt over his earlier hesitation, even if she tries to say it with levity in her voice. ]
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[The Doctor's tone is also light and joking, but it doesn't quite meet his eyes.
His hand goes to cover hers and he knows what she's referring to even without her saying it or him reading her mind. He hates that he hesitated when she asked. It had been selfish and it was the least he could have done for her who had done so much for him, and had just gone through something she never should have. A wry smile comes to his face.]
Always room for improvement, right? I accept most feedback.
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I missed this. I've missed you.
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[And he means it. As angry as he should be with Missy, she at least brought about this realization about. The walls he had put up between himself and Clara didn't need to be there even if he had thought he had done it with best intention.]
And I swear this won't ever happen again, Clara. Not ever.
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The thumb of one hand smooths over his forehead lightly. ]
I know. Honestly, track record's not bad.
[ Clara knows eventually they should both shake it off, go somewhere new and do what they always do. But if she moves, she's afraid it'll be the last time she's ever this close to him. So she doesn't move, deciding she'll stay curled against him as long as he's willing to stay. ]
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