[After what just happened he wouldn't have been surprised if she demanded he take her back home. The Doctor knows he should level set with her. For all their running about and adventures, Clara was still human with delicate, fragile human skin. She could die and he might not be able to bring her back and the thought grips him with so much fear that as much as he wants to send her back to her normal life, he wants her there beside him to keep her safe. To keep him level.
It's as selfish a reason as it is noble. It reeks of dependency, but he still can't bring him to say that she should go.
He needs her.]
It is. But something worse could still happen. What then, Clara?
[ She's quiet, already knowing what she wants to say, trying to decide if she wants to open this particular wound. But she will. She does. ]
Danny stepped out into the street and then he was gone. He was in a war and died because a car didn't stop. Nothing is guaranteed, Doctor. Do you understand? You could drop me off tomorrow and tell yourself I'll be safe forever, but we both know that's not how it works. Not always. Not for everyone.
[ Not for her mum, or Angie and Artie's mum, and not for Danny. ]
[The Doctor canβt help but swallow the lump in his throat. He knows that sheβs being pragmatic just like he would in a moment like this. Every day could be their last, but heβs lost the acceptance of death that heβd had with his younger face.
His voice is low.]
I know. I know that better than anyone.
[His gaze holds hers, thumb running over her temple, resolving to himself that if anything happened to her, heβd go to hell and back to bring her back safe.]
[ Clara holds her gaze steady on his before turning her head to press her lips to his palm. She lingers, closing her eyes. When she opens them again she doesn't look away from him. ]
Do you think I could ever lose you? Do you think that's acceptable to me?
[The place where her lips meet generates a warm spot on his palm and it lingers there, loosening the knot in his stomach. He gives her a watery chuckle although his eyes aren't damp.]
As you love to remind me, you jumped into my time stream to save me.
And I'd do it again you daft old man. There isn't a part of my life I can imagine that doesn't have you in it. I don't even know how to go back to that anymore. I couldn't.
[ Not even for someone who loved her, as it turned out. ]
[He gathers her hands in his again, squeezing them tight. A part of him wants to kiss her hands in return but he holds himself back from doing so settling for this for now.]
And I'm lucky for it. [He smiles a closed lip smile before scoffing, still holding to her hands.] And here I was supposed to be comforting you. How do you do that?
Ooh, I should add backpay to my list of things to do, shouldn't I?
[The Doctor's tone is also light and joking, but it doesn't quite meet his eyes.
His hand goes to cover hers and he knows what she's referring to even without her saying it or him reading her mind. He hates that he hesitated when she asked. It had been selfish and it was the least he could have done for her who had done so much for him, and had just gone through something she never should have. A wry smile comes to his face.]
Always room for improvement, right? I accept most feedback.
[And he means it. As angry as he should be with Missy, she at least brought about this realization about. The walls he had put up between himself and Clara didn't need to be there even if he had thought he had done it with best intention.]
And I swear this won't ever happen again, Clara. Not ever.
[ She knows he'll do anything to keep her safe, to put himself between her and danger. She also knows he can't always protect her, but he'll try. He'll always try.
The thumb of one hand smooths over his forehead lightly. ]
I know. Honestly, track record's not bad.
[ Clara knows eventually they should both shake it off, go somewhere new and do what they always do. But if she moves, she's afraid it'll be the last time she's ever this close to him. So she doesn't move, deciding she'll stay curled against him as long as he's willing to stay. ]
[A part of him wants to move away now that Clara seems relatively okay, but at the same time he doesn't want to see the hurt reach across her face again as he does.
So he stays. For the first time in a long time he stays. He allows him to wrap his arm around her as she curls into him and he lets out a small sigh.]
How does it work, if you want to read someone's thoughts? Do you have to ask permission first?
[ She's genuinely curious after the way he helped her sleep, something she's never experienced before. And she wonders if something can't be explained in words, he could understand directly from the source. ]
That's not why I asked. The way you helped me sleep, it was like...everything upsetting was replaced with warmth. The way it feels when you do this, only inside my head.
[ Clara's fingers lightly trace the circle of a button on his shirt, fidgeting. ]
[Her fidgeting doesn't go unnoticed but he doesn't stop her. Just continues to hold her there.]
Yes well, that's a little different than reading minds. That was me trying to calm you. You could call it some form of hypnosis or a transference of happier thoughts. [He frowns.] Or maybe a mutual meditation might be a better word for it.
Mutual meditation. [ She hums a little. And then she chickens out, because no. She needs to figure out a way to say the words and if she can't say them yet, she isn't ready. ]
Is there a way you can take away dreams? I can't...I don't think I can sleep again if there's a chance of that nightmare again.
[He can't help but grimace a little bit.] That was a horrible name for it, don't call it that. It sounds new age.
[He glances towards her.] If that's what you want. [He turns towards her properly, putting his hands on either side of her temple, bringing their foreheads back to touch.] Are you sure that's what you want, Clara?
[ There's a thin smile at his decision the name was rubbish. Once their foreheads are touching, she inhales slowly, secretly breathing him in before nodding. She knows once she's asleep and he knows she won't wake up screaming again, he'll have the chance to leave her sleeping. Then she'll wake and dress and they'll go on another adventure like nothing happened. ]
[And with her permission, he slowly begins to sift through her mind. He does his best not to peer too long at things that aren't what he's been told to look at but it's hard not to catch glimpses of himself every now and then. Soon enough though he finds the nightmare and he carefully quietens it, taking it from her and bottling it up.
It's strange seeing it from this perspective. Her perspective. All he can remember from that day is seeing the Dalek but hearing her voice - Oswin's voice - crying out in pain and fear. It stops when he places a stopper on it. When he lets out a breath, a small exhale of vibrant, golden light, exhales from his mouth as he slowly steadies her to lay her back onto the bed. Absentmindedly he strokes her hair as he gazes down at her with concern in his gaze.]
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makemeasong) wrote2022-08-20 11:07 am
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It's as selfish a reason as it is noble. It reeks of dependency, but he still can't bring him to say that she should go.
He needs her.]
It is. But something worse could still happen. What then, Clara?
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Danny stepped out into the street and then he was gone. He was in a war and died because a car didn't stop. Nothing is guaranteed, Doctor. Do you understand? You could drop me off tomorrow and tell yourself I'll be safe forever, but we both know that's not how it works. Not always. Not for everyone.
[ Not for her mum, or Angie and Artie's mum, and not for Danny. ]
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His voice is low.]
I know. I know that better than anyone.
[His gaze holds hers, thumb running over her temple, resolving to himself that if anything happened to her, heβd go to hell and back to bring her back safe.]
Which is why youβre so important, Clara.
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Do you think I could ever lose you? Do you think that's acceptable to me?
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As you love to remind me, you jumped into my time stream to save me.
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[ Not even for someone who loved her, as it turned out. ]
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And I'm lucky for it. [He smiles a closed lip smile before scoffing, still holding to her hands.] And here I was supposed to be comforting you. How do you do that?
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[ Her hands squeeze his in return. ]
We need one another, Doctor. So until you make me go, you're stuck with me doing annoying things like knowing what you need before you do.
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[He says it teasingly. Adoringly even.]
I really should think about paying you more. Hazard pay.
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[ She smiles just a little though, reaching out to press her hand to the side of her face. ]
This is payment enough. If you really do a bang up job with your duty of care, you'll never have to worry about my asking for this again.
[ Her feelings are still a little hurt over his earlier hesitation, even if she tries to say it with levity in her voice. ]
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[The Doctor's tone is also light and joking, but it doesn't quite meet his eyes.
His hand goes to cover hers and he knows what she's referring to even without her saying it or him reading her mind. He hates that he hesitated when she asked. It had been selfish and it was the least he could have done for her who had done so much for him, and had just gone through something she never should have. A wry smile comes to his face.]
Always room for improvement, right? I accept most feedback.
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I missed this. I've missed you.
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[And he means it. As angry as he should be with Missy, she at least brought about this realization about. The walls he had put up between himself and Clara didn't need to be there even if he had thought he had done it with best intention.]
And I swear this won't ever happen again, Clara. Not ever.
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The thumb of one hand smooths over his forehead lightly. ]
I know. Honestly, track record's not bad.
[ Clara knows eventually they should both shake it off, go somewhere new and do what they always do. But if she moves, she's afraid it'll be the last time she's ever this close to him. So she doesn't move, deciding she'll stay curled against him as long as he's willing to stay. ]
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So he stays. For the first time in a long time he stays. He allows him to wrap his arm around her as she curls into him and he lets out a small sigh.]
It's not a track record I'm fond of.
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And she can still say that, even after the Dalek.
Can I ask you something? About all your Time Lord abilities. [ Just so he knows it's a topic that won't hurt. At least as far as she knows. ]
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Go on then.
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[ She's genuinely curious after the way he helped her sleep, something she's never experienced before. And she wonders if something can't be explained in words, he could understand directly from the source. ]
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[He pauses.]
I haven't ever done it to you. If you're wondering.
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[ Clara's fingers lightly trace the circle of a button on his shirt, fidgeting. ]
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Yes well, that's a little different than reading minds. That was me trying to calm you. You could call it some form of hypnosis or a transference of happier thoughts. [He frowns.] Or maybe a mutual meditation might be a better word for it.
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Is there a way you can take away dreams? I can't...I don't think I can sleep again if there's a chance of that nightmare again.
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[He glances towards her.] If that's what you want. [He turns towards her properly, putting his hands on either side of her temple, bringing their foreheads back to touch.] Are you sure that's what you want, Clara?
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It's what I want, Doctor. Please.
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[And with her permission, he slowly begins to sift through her mind. He does his best not to peer too long at things that aren't what he's been told to look at but it's hard not to catch glimpses of himself every now and then. Soon enough though he finds the nightmare and he carefully quietens it, taking it from her and bottling it up.
It's strange seeing it from this perspective. Her perspective. All he can remember from that day is seeing the Dalek but hearing her voice - Oswin's voice - crying out in pain and fear. It stops when he places a stopper on it. When he lets out a breath, a small exhale of vibrant, golden light, exhales from his mouth as he slowly steadies her to lay her back onto the bed. Absentmindedly he strokes her hair as he gazes down at her with concern in his gaze.]
Better?
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