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( Red takes another drink from her cup before she nods along to all of that. Zeus is a piece of shit and so is Hades, and it's nice to know those stories maintain in other worlds where they're not so present anymore. Where they are just stories and they don't actually exist.

She does linger on the story of Orpheus. Her memories of being only Cerberus are vague and fuzzier than the rest, but they're hers too. The asshole used his magic song to put her to sleep so she could take Eurydice out of there, and then he couldn't even stick to the only stipulation added. He just had to look back. )

I mean, most spirits don't like being in the Underworld so she probably wanted to get the fuck out of there and enjoy some more time up on the mortal realm, but then Orpheus had to go and fuck it up. Not like the gods give those kinds of chances easily.

( She doesn't know how Eurydice feels about him though. Back then she wasn't so capable of speech, and well, even when she was, she didn't make friends with any of the spirits. )

Uh, so. Yeah. In my world, the Underworld was split into different sections. Hades did it to keep shit more organized down there, make it a little more familiar to the spirits who ended up there especially since they could like go through growth and shit like that - some might even get to go somewhere a little nicer, and one of those sections was a high school. Purgatory High.

True enough, I was so annoyed with him as a kid, felt like Eurydice deserved better. [ One chance and all he had to do was not turn around. It's an intense trust exercise, but he blew it for both of them.

Moving on and listening to Red, Clara takes a sip of her drink and nods along slowly. She's surprised and it shows on her face; Hades isn't a myth and the Underworld is real. There's a time in her life she would have looked dubious, and it probably would have taken a lot of convincing, but traveling with the Doctor makes it impossible to doubt everything is possible in the infinity that is the Universe. So, the surprise melts and she asks her first question. ]

You could die and literally be trapped in high school forever? [ Perhaps not be the first question another person would ask, but that sounds like a nightmare she's had. Familiar, but school forever? Only if she's the teacher. ]

( Red sees the surprise on her face, and she expected it. She's talked to enough people now that she knows the gods as she knew them, as they existed in her own world are basically stories, myths. But she figured traveling with the Doctor and well, this entire place too between worlds and everything else would help make it a bit more believable. )

...well, it usually was just teenagers who died that ended up there. Supposed to be a smoother transition that way. ( Or something. She doesn't pretend to know what Hades' plans were ever, and it's not like it was up to her to know. She followed orders, obeyed instruction. ) There were some teachers too to hold classes so it'd all seem... like a high school.

( Since she knows Clara is a teacher, it's possible she could have ended up there because of that in her world, but. Usually the spirits were not very old at all. Anything over twenty was the cut off at least while they had been alive. They could stay in Purgatory High for an endless amount of time especially since time has an entirely different meaning down there. )

Some spirits didn't even know they were dead.

Okay, I'd teach, wouldn't mind that a bit in the afterlife. No school board banning books left and right, I bet.

[ There are bright sides after all.

Clara sobers a little, the next question not even thought about, it simply tumbles from her lips. ]

Why? How does that happen?

[ She'd been very aware she was dead, that wasn't the confusing part. She had no idea where she was, until the Doctor brought her back. She didn't know who she was anymore until he'd shown her the leaf she'd blown into the world on, her whole life in her fingertips. Clara tries to remember what that feeling was, wondering if it's the same. ]

You'd be right about that.

( It's not always easy to get everything down there, but Hades had the library pretty well stocked - easy distraction for students. She tips the glass around in her hand, remembering all she knows about Clara. Even now, she can sense her aura, her soul beside her.

She shakes her head, tilts the drink back, takes a sip from the edge of the cup. )

Denial. People generally don't want to be dead. Easier to believe the illusion - just going to school away. There were dorms and shit so your brain just... lets that become your new reality. Fills in gaps for things that should be unexplainable.

They never look too hard, never question. There's no real sense of time or shit so it's not like they'd notice that the school year is endless. Most knew, but some preferred pretending.

[ Clara makes a soft sound in the back of her throat, wondering briefly if that could have happened to her mum and Sabine. Dying instantly and unexpectedly. Her world isn't Red's though, and Red didn't come here for Clara to have a crisis about her dead family, so she pushes the thoughts away. ]

Honestly, even without trying to convince myself I'm still alive, that doesn't sound awful. [ Wait. Sometimes she's a little slow on the uptake but her heart lurches a little. Is Red dead? She never ages, is that why? Clara's forehead creases and she tries to make a gentle guess. ] You spend a lot of time in the Underworld, then?

Yeah, it's not awful. It's not supposed to be - not good, not bad. Neutral. Purgatory. Some people go on to punishment where it gets worse, a rare few go somewhere better. I think the adult's version is like an office space or something. ( It's not like she really kept track of the other parts of the Underworld when it was all split up like that, when she- Cerberus got all split up into pieces.

She couldn't. ) ...I've basically always been there until I tried escaping with a couple spirits and ended up here in this world. Uh, Cerberus? He split me- it... up for each of the new parts of the Underworld, and I'm what was made for Purgatory High. ( Her fingers press on to the collar a bit under the sleeve of her shirt. So she was not dead, but she also wasn't really alive ever either until very recently. )

[ Clara's trying to keep it straight in her head, brows knitting together just a touch as she follows along. ]

What do you mean what was made? You were made for what?

[ She isn't sure if she's understanding as well as she thought, and she takes a swallow of alcohol. It will either help or make things worse. ]

( Well, that's the question, because Red has no idea what she actually is. It's part of her internal crisis since she rolled up on the mortal realm without any clear idea. She's not human, not fully Cerberus either - some weird mix. She takes a long drink from the glass until the burn hits the back of her throat, until her glass is empty.

Then she just kind of shrugs. )

Me. I was made. I don't know how. It's not like Hades explained shit to me, and I'm Cerberus - well some weird mix of Cerberus and whatever he did to make me more like a a person. Specifically, I'm the Cerberus of Purgatory High School, and I was supposed to guard the spirits and make sure they didn't get up to shit like trying to escape, destroying things, getting into fights, going to restricted areas.

Shit like that. ( She fills her drink again, stares into the liquid, settles the burn in her chest. ) I know it's confusing.

But instead, you did the escaping? [ Clara's almost sure that's right, and she lets out a breath. ]

Why don't men ever explain anything? Not to generalize, but c'mon. So, you were—are— a guardian, and that doesn't sound all...bad? Except for the being trapped part and knowing nothing about yourself, sounds peachy.

[ That's so fucked, and Clara pours more into Red's cup. ]

It is confusing, but I think I'm with you, actually. Hell of a place to wind up after that, though. From purgatory to whatever this is. [ Clara gestures at the room around them in general. ]

...eventually. ( Red didn't think she would be able to - thought the water would suck her down inside of it, spit her back out where she was made for. )

He's even worse than a man. He's a god, and I'm like a fucking... weapon to be wielded by him. No reason to explain anything to me. I'm no different than any of his other powers or abilities or shit to him, like a piece of the landscape. I know he sure as fuck didn't mean to make me so... human-like.

( She bites down on her tongue a bit hard enough she tastes blood, closes her eyes, swallows down the liquor and the blood too. It's impossible to describe really what it's like - to be a monster but not, to be young but not, to be not really enough of anything. People want to leave this place. Vanessa left to return to her own world. Some day they all will (and she'll be running, or she'll be dragged back into the Underworld and be destroyed). None of them belong here, together- )

Do you like it here?

[ Clara scowls just a little, angry on Red's behalf. The woman she's met—regardless of what she used to be—deserves more and better. Fuck Hades. ]

You're you, Red. If you want to be a weapon, that's totally different. But you are you and Hades can't do shite here. [ Little Miss Blackpool is on the scene. ] I'll remind you of that every time I see you if you need me to. You're Red, you're my friend, and you're brilliant and beautiful. So, there.

[ Clara finishes off what's in her cup and pours more even though she winced the entire time it went down. Pondering Red's question, she doesn't have to think long. ]

Only for the people. The place itself could use an attitude adjustment. It's just...this is my only time with the Doctor, so good or bad I try to just go with it. It's hard, though. Met some pretty amazing people along the way and that makes it easier.

( That is the hard part, isn't it? She doesn't know who or what she is really, some part of her was made to want to be a weapon, made to want to follow instructions. The rest of her rallies against it and hates it, but another part of her wants exactly that. To be used. Such an inhuman desire swirling with another desire to be free that comes from some humanity smashed awkwardly against the rest.

She does smile soft at Clara's words. )

You sound like him. ( The Doctor. His anchor that he placed in her mind was very similar in words to what Clara says. It helped Red have more control over shifting back and forth between her two forms. She sips from her glass with a nod. )

You want to make the most of it then. ( Because it's her only time with him, but yeah, this place can be pretty shitty. )

[ That's probably one of the best compliments someone could pay her. Smiling back, it doesn't quite make the corners of her mouth lift. ]

There are worse people to sound like. And good. You should hear all of those things all the time. We'll both remind you, as much as you need it. We'll do it happily.

[ As for the rest... ]

I'm trying. It's a little harder with me being from his future and him not really knowing me. It's— [ Her feelings are all over the place, and she drinks a good amount of alcohol, making a face as it goes down. But it's exactly what she wanted, to feel like she could exhale fire. ]

It's complicated. If you aren't in this place, will you have made your escape? Do you know?

( Red taps her fingers on the outside of the glass as she stares into the liquor in her cup. She's had enough of it now that there's a nice little buzz. She hasn't forgotten what Clara has told her about the future, hasn't forgot that Clara dies for the Doctor and then the Doctor goes on to die and- Couldn't. )

Especially with all the shit you know and lived through about his future that you can't say, huh? ( She grimaces at that. Must make it even more difficult in the end. Complicated is the name of the game in this place. She shakes her head at the question. )

...I don't know, and he is a god. ( Even if she gets out of the Underworld in her own world, it's not likely to last, and how does she even start to live in the mortal realm without an id or family or shit? Something she avoids thinking about when she can. )

Maybe...maybe you can come back through the beacon with me, or the Doctor? We've mentioned it, and that's probably not helpful, but you make a really awesome human. I know trying to trick a God is generally frowned upon, but he hasn't found you here, right? Stands to reason he wouldn't be able to find you in my world either.

[ Clara looks hopefully at Red before glancing down at her cup, swirling the liquid around and letting the warmth of what she's had settle in her bones. Before she gets back to the Doctor, she has to be sure she understands everything Red came to tell her. Especially before the alcohol makes creating memories hit or miss. ]

I'm not human - just come in the shape of one. Most of the time. ( Pieces of a human soul smushed with pieces of Cerberus to make a weird mess of a thing. She breathes out, drinking from her cup again, shaking her head. ) It's okay, Clara.

( The Doctor has made her promises that the TARDIS would find him eventually, and he'd take her with. It's somehow not surprising to her either that Clara would offer the same in her own way. The beacon will shoot them back where they came from: to that very moment like none of this happened at all, pull them back and make them not remember this place. Maybe she's just old enough to be cynical and practical about things, but she expects she'll end up back in her own world one day. )

I wanted you to know so if I ever shift into my Cerberus form around you, it's not some big shock. That happened with a friend while I was in the Tower ( a friend who called her little sister ) and she- she was gone before I could explain. That's why girls' nights are good. You get it all out.

[ She sighs softly, wishing she could offer more, knowing she's mostly repeating herself now. But she does manage a small smile. ]

Means a lot that you told me, and the heads up is really appreciated. I might've thought this place was doing something to you. I'm sure it'll be a shock if I see it, but a different sort. [ She imagines it like a werewolf transformation in movies, but she isn't sure how to ask and she doesn't know if it would be upsetting, so Clara keeps it to herself. ]

Girls' nights are good. It's been a long time since I've had one. [ Since the night before Sabine died. Clara lets out a soft exhale. ] And I guess I do have...stuff. [ She finishes what's in her cup but doesn't pour more just yet. She'll probably need it later, and she already feels flush. ] Some of it's embarrassing.

[ Maybe just to her. But first, her face shifts into an expression of aggravation, not directed at Red, but her annoyance with this planet. ]

I needed to talk to you, actually, so you had good timing. Thanks to this place, the Doctor knows what I did for him. He knows I died, and he knows he saved me. You don't have to keep that secret anymore. I mean, around him, maybe don't tell anyone else.

Edited 2022-12-16 15:00 (UTC)

( Red tilts her head to the side when Clara mentions that some of it is embarrassing. Her hands form around the cup, allowing the warmth of the alcohol to settle as she listens. She winces at what Clara shares with her, understanding immediately. )

...oh, shit.

Okay. Yeah, I haven't really talked to anyone about that, and I won't. ( She talked to Hermione in a general sense about knowing information about someone's future that she couldn't share, but not any of the details. The Doctor tends to not want to talk too much about himself (at least not the vulnerable parts, the parts that hurt) so she doesn't think it will necessarily come up in their own conversations, but she'd be there to listen if it did.

However, she remembers Clara telling her about it all: how painful, how difficult it was to talk about it all, how much she felt he shouldn't know the truth at all. She imagines it would have taken something for this planet to force it from her. )

How'd that conversation go?

[ Clara lets her head drop, closing her eyes. It went exactly how she thought it would. Looking back at Red, she shrugs with one shoulder helplessly. ]

He's so mad. I mean, I'm hoping what you said is right at least in this regard, that he won't remember. He hates it, he hates that I did it. He isn't angry at me just the idea that I thought he was worth it.

[ Grabbing the bottle of alcohol again, Clara pours a generous amount and studies it before glancing at Red. ]

He kept asking why, so I—I told him I love him. [ The alcohol excuses away the flush of embarrassment and Clara downs a couple of swallows before putting the cup on the nightstand, reaching for crisps. ]

( Red remembers in the Labyrinth: how readily he threw himself in front of Vanessa and her, how much he wanted to be the one to take the damage, how much he wanted them to save themselves. Of course, they never did. They were all going to get out together. Her fingers grasp the collar still pressed underneath her sleeve. It's not surprising at all he would be angry about it.

Then Clara says she told him she loves him, and there's a brief moment of confusion on Red's face. She sees she seems almost embarrassed maybe, and she doesn't get why loving someone- oh.

Oh. That other kind of love.

Red's experience with relationships of any kind (friend, family, romantic) is nearly nonexistent. It wasn't until she came here that she started to make connections, make friends. No one in Purgatory High wanted to be friends with someone that was Hades' so intrinsically. She has a lot of knowledge about things, rattling around in her brain in a far away way, but no actual experience so she can't say she knows what it's like to even have feelings for someone else like that or what it's like to confess those feelings to that person. She imagines it must be really difficult, scary even: to put one's heart in the hands of another. )

...that's what was embarrassing?

I said it, and I'm not embarrassed about how I feel. But he doesn't even know me. He's had me on the TARDIS a grand total of twice from his perspective. So why did I—

[ The words come out almost as soon as Red's done speaking and she looks at Red again. She isn't crying, but she is emotional, chin trembling just a little. ]

I've never loved someone so much I'd die for them. I mean, not someone who didn't have their blood in my veins. [ If she could go back and save her mum, or do anything to save her, Clara would do it in a heartbeat. ] I always thought it'd be terrifying, to realize you were about to die, and it was scary, but I love him. [ The last four words trail off, and she opens her mouth again to speak, then closes it, trying to organize her thoughts. ]

He's gone for me, the Time Lord I fell in love with, and I guess I just thought maybe here. Except I fucked it up and said too much, too soon. He wouldn't stop pressing about why his life over mine; I didn't have another answer for him. Lucky for me, he didn't even get it. [ He's so incredibly brilliant, but sometimes he misses things completely. This time, she's glad. ]

He told me he was fond of me, too.

Edited (omg i'm sorry for the edits) 2022-12-17 21:23 (UTC)

( Red reaches over, rests a hand on her arm gently when she sees that she's emotional. It must have ultimately hurt, ultimately been hard to know and love someone and then run into a version of them that hasn't lived all the same things. She can hardly wrap her head around what that must be like so she squeezes her arm gently and then shakes her head. )

I can't imagine how fucked that whole situation must be.

I'm sure you told him cause you lost him before. When people die, they always regret the shit they didn't say or do when they were still alive. I'm sure it's the same for the people who remain living who have lost people.

( They have their own regrets about not doing or saying things before they lost that person like Red regrets not telling Fei, not being able to explain it all to her. )

Think you gotta be forgiving on yourself. This whole entire everything's fucked, and you're just trying to make the most of a shitty thing with what time you have and none of that's even guaranteed here.

( There's an ache to her expression but she means what she says. There's no fixing this, no making it better. Sometimes shitty things just exist as shitty as they are, but Red hears her, she does. )

It's okay. That you said it, all of it. It's okay.

[ Clara didn't know how badly she needed to talk about this. Her logical mind knows why things are the way they are, but the other part of her wants to shout about it not being fair. She isn't that naïve though, the universe doesn't care about what's fair or not. ]

Hearing that it's fucked from someone else helps. I didn't ruin anything, at least, and there are other reasons we couldn't ever—I mean, I'm human. He isn't, and in the end, my life is a blink of an eye, then what? I've only given him more hurt for his hearts to carry.

[ Closing her eyes, she realizes pops of color are swimming behind her eyelids, so no more alcohol for her. When she looks back at Red, she tries to smile at least a bit. ]

And you're right, the regret was heavy. Red, he literally ran away from me after he regenerated. I show up here and the Doctor I know is alive and well. Perfect. [ Swallowing back a lump in her throat, she shakes her head. ] He told the man in white he was afraid of what he would do to not br alone, and it shouldn't—it shouldn't be that way. I needed him to know, and now he does. He's loved. By me, by so many others.

[ There are a plethora of other emotions from the span of her life carefully boxed up and tucked away because there's no resolution to them. She'll put the in love portion of her feelings for the Doctor right next to the other complicated moments of her life and store them away, push it all to the far corners of her heart. Reaching out, her hand squeezes Red's arm in gratitude. ]

You're really good at this human thing, by the way.

Edited 2022-12-18 15:49 (UTC)

( Grief is as unfamiliar to her as connections despite spending so much time among the dead, the dead who grieved their own lives, but she never had any friends down there, and so she didn't experience loss like that.

No one can die anyway if they're already dead.

She thinks it hurts either way. Whether she's his friend or his romantic partner when he loses her (and it turns out she loses him too even if she gets him back), it would be painful, it would be a loss, but it doesn't stop them from being friends. Despite the pain of it - all lifelong relationships have to end that way, don't they? Death or gone or- But people don't stop, reaching out, making connections. No matter how much they've lost. She thinks it's brave of humans, but maybe it's- it's what living's all about. Connecting.

What would she do to stay here: away from Hades, away from her fate, away from what she was made to be? Probably not enough. )

Why did he run away from you after he regenerated? ( She doesn't... get that part. Why he'd run away when he must have known Clara, cared about her especially after all they'd gone through together. ) But yeah, that would... all be really fucking confusing and messed up.

Hard to think of the right things to say in the best of circumstances, y'know? Sometimes you'll just blurt out whatever you feel especially when you're holding it in too long. ( She sips at her liquor again lifting her eyes to look over at Clara at that comment, and she smiles - a bit pained. ) I've been watching people for awhile.

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the holidays wrecked my tagging brain sdflaksdf so sorry for the slow!