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But instead, you did the escaping? [ Clara's almost sure that's right, and she lets out a breath. ]

Why don't men ever explain anything? Not to generalize, but c'mon. So, you were—are— a guardian, and that doesn't sound all...bad? Except for the being trapped part and knowing nothing about yourself, sounds peachy.

[ That's so fucked, and Clara pours more into Red's cup. ]

It is confusing, but I think I'm with you, actually. Hell of a place to wind up after that, though. From purgatory to whatever this is. [ Clara gestures at the room around them in general. ]

...eventually. ( Red didn't think she would be able to - thought the water would suck her down inside of it, spit her back out where she was made for. )

He's even worse than a man. He's a god, and I'm like a fucking... weapon to be wielded by him. No reason to explain anything to me. I'm no different than any of his other powers or abilities or shit to him, like a piece of the landscape. I know he sure as fuck didn't mean to make me so... human-like.

( She bites down on her tongue a bit hard enough she tastes blood, closes her eyes, swallows down the liquor and the blood too. It's impossible to describe really what it's like - to be a monster but not, to be young but not, to be not really enough of anything. People want to leave this place. Vanessa left to return to her own world. Some day they all will (and she'll be running, or she'll be dragged back into the Underworld and be destroyed). None of them belong here, together- )

Do you like it here?

[ Clara scowls just a little, angry on Red's behalf. The woman she's met—regardless of what she used to be—deserves more and better. Fuck Hades. ]

You're you, Red. If you want to be a weapon, that's totally different. But you are you and Hades can't do shite here. [ Little Miss Blackpool is on the scene. ] I'll remind you of that every time I see you if you need me to. You're Red, you're my friend, and you're brilliant and beautiful. So, there.

[ Clara finishes off what's in her cup and pours more even though she winced the entire time it went down. Pondering Red's question, she doesn't have to think long. ]

Only for the people. The place itself could use an attitude adjustment. It's just...this is my only time with the Doctor, so good or bad I try to just go with it. It's hard, though. Met some pretty amazing people along the way and that makes it easier.

( That is the hard part, isn't it? She doesn't know who or what she is really, some part of her was made to want to be a weapon, made to want to follow instructions. The rest of her rallies against it and hates it, but another part of her wants exactly that. To be used. Such an inhuman desire swirling with another desire to be free that comes from some humanity smashed awkwardly against the rest.

She does smile soft at Clara's words. )

You sound like him. ( The Doctor. His anchor that he placed in her mind was very similar in words to what Clara says. It helped Red have more control over shifting back and forth between her two forms. She sips from her glass with a nod. )

You want to make the most of it then. ( Because it's her only time with him, but yeah, this place can be pretty shitty. )

[ That's probably one of the best compliments someone could pay her. Smiling back, it doesn't quite make the corners of her mouth lift. ]

There are worse people to sound like. And good. You should hear all of those things all the time. We'll both remind you, as much as you need it. We'll do it happily.

[ As for the rest... ]

I'm trying. It's a little harder with me being from his future and him not really knowing me. It's— [ Her feelings are all over the place, and she drinks a good amount of alcohol, making a face as it goes down. But it's exactly what she wanted, to feel like she could exhale fire. ]

It's complicated. If you aren't in this place, will you have made your escape? Do you know?

( Red taps her fingers on the outside of the glass as she stares into the liquor in her cup. She's had enough of it now that there's a nice little buzz. She hasn't forgotten what Clara has told her about the future, hasn't forgot that Clara dies for the Doctor and then the Doctor goes on to die and- Couldn't. )

Especially with all the shit you know and lived through about his future that you can't say, huh? ( She grimaces at that. Must make it even more difficult in the end. Complicated is the name of the game in this place. She shakes her head at the question. )

...I don't know, and he is a god. ( Even if she gets out of the Underworld in her own world, it's not likely to last, and how does she even start to live in the mortal realm without an id or family or shit? Something she avoids thinking about when she can. )

Maybe...maybe you can come back through the beacon with me, or the Doctor? We've mentioned it, and that's probably not helpful, but you make a really awesome human. I know trying to trick a God is generally frowned upon, but he hasn't found you here, right? Stands to reason he wouldn't be able to find you in my world either.

[ Clara looks hopefully at Red before glancing down at her cup, swirling the liquid around and letting the warmth of what she's had settle in her bones. Before she gets back to the Doctor, she has to be sure she understands everything Red came to tell her. Especially before the alcohol makes creating memories hit or miss. ]

I'm not human - just come in the shape of one. Most of the time. ( Pieces of a human soul smushed with pieces of Cerberus to make a weird mess of a thing. She breathes out, drinking from her cup again, shaking her head. ) It's okay, Clara.

( The Doctor has made her promises that the TARDIS would find him eventually, and he'd take her with. It's somehow not surprising to her either that Clara would offer the same in her own way. The beacon will shoot them back where they came from: to that very moment like none of this happened at all, pull them back and make them not remember this place. Maybe she's just old enough to be cynical and practical about things, but she expects she'll end up back in her own world one day. )

I wanted you to know so if I ever shift into my Cerberus form around you, it's not some big shock. That happened with a friend while I was in the Tower ( a friend who called her little sister ) and she- she was gone before I could explain. That's why girls' nights are good. You get it all out.

[ She sighs softly, wishing she could offer more, knowing she's mostly repeating herself now. But she does manage a small smile. ]

Means a lot that you told me, and the heads up is really appreciated. I might've thought this place was doing something to you. I'm sure it'll be a shock if I see it, but a different sort. [ She imagines it like a werewolf transformation in movies, but she isn't sure how to ask and she doesn't know if it would be upsetting, so Clara keeps it to herself. ]

Girls' nights are good. It's been a long time since I've had one. [ Since the night before Sabine died. Clara lets out a soft exhale. ] And I guess I do have...stuff. [ She finishes what's in her cup but doesn't pour more just yet. She'll probably need it later, and she already feels flush. ] Some of it's embarrassing.

[ Maybe just to her. But first, her face shifts into an expression of aggravation, not directed at Red, but her annoyance with this planet. ]

I needed to talk to you, actually, so you had good timing. Thanks to this place, the Doctor knows what I did for him. He knows I died, and he knows he saved me. You don't have to keep that secret anymore. I mean, around him, maybe don't tell anyone else.

Edited 2022-12-16 15:00 (UTC)

( Red tilts her head to the side when Clara mentions that some of it is embarrassing. Her hands form around the cup, allowing the warmth of the alcohol to settle as she listens. She winces at what Clara shares with her, understanding immediately. )

...oh, shit.

Okay. Yeah, I haven't really talked to anyone about that, and I won't. ( She talked to Hermione in a general sense about knowing information about someone's future that she couldn't share, but not any of the details. The Doctor tends to not want to talk too much about himself (at least not the vulnerable parts, the parts that hurt) so she doesn't think it will necessarily come up in their own conversations, but she'd be there to listen if it did.

However, she remembers Clara telling her about it all: how painful, how difficult it was to talk about it all, how much she felt he shouldn't know the truth at all. She imagines it would have taken something for this planet to force it from her. )

How'd that conversation go?

[ Clara lets her head drop, closing her eyes. It went exactly how she thought it would. Looking back at Red, she shrugs with one shoulder helplessly. ]

He's so mad. I mean, I'm hoping what you said is right at least in this regard, that he won't remember. He hates it, he hates that I did it. He isn't angry at me just the idea that I thought he was worth it.

[ Grabbing the bottle of alcohol again, Clara pours a generous amount and studies it before glancing at Red. ]

He kept asking why, so I—I told him I love him. [ The alcohol excuses away the flush of embarrassment and Clara downs a couple of swallows before putting the cup on the nightstand, reaching for crisps. ]

( Red remembers in the Labyrinth: how readily he threw himself in front of Vanessa and her, how much he wanted to be the one to take the damage, how much he wanted them to save themselves. Of course, they never did. They were all going to get out together. Her fingers grasp the collar still pressed underneath her sleeve. It's not surprising at all he would be angry about it.

Then Clara says she told him she loves him, and there's a brief moment of confusion on Red's face. She sees she seems almost embarrassed maybe, and she doesn't get why loving someone- oh.

Oh. That other kind of love.

Red's experience with relationships of any kind (friend, family, romantic) is nearly nonexistent. It wasn't until she came here that she started to make connections, make friends. No one in Purgatory High wanted to be friends with someone that was Hades' so intrinsically. She has a lot of knowledge about things, rattling around in her brain in a far away way, but no actual experience so she can't say she knows what it's like to even have feelings for someone else like that or what it's like to confess those feelings to that person. She imagines it must be really difficult, scary even: to put one's heart in the hands of another. )

...that's what was embarrassing?

I said it, and I'm not embarrassed about how I feel. But he doesn't even know me. He's had me on the TARDIS a grand total of twice from his perspective. So why did I—

[ The words come out almost as soon as Red's done speaking and she looks at Red again. She isn't crying, but she is emotional, chin trembling just a little. ]

I've never loved someone so much I'd die for them. I mean, not someone who didn't have their blood in my veins. [ If she could go back and save her mum, or do anything to save her, Clara would do it in a heartbeat. ] I always thought it'd be terrifying, to realize you were about to die, and it was scary, but I love him. [ The last four words trail off, and she opens her mouth again to speak, then closes it, trying to organize her thoughts. ]

He's gone for me, the Time Lord I fell in love with, and I guess I just thought maybe here. Except I fucked it up and said too much, too soon. He wouldn't stop pressing about why his life over mine; I didn't have another answer for him. Lucky for me, he didn't even get it. [ He's so incredibly brilliant, but sometimes he misses things completely. This time, she's glad. ]

He told me he was fond of me, too.

Edited (omg i'm sorry for the edits) 2022-12-17 21:23 (UTC)

( Red reaches over, rests a hand on her arm gently when she sees that she's emotional. It must have ultimately hurt, ultimately been hard to know and love someone and then run into a version of them that hasn't lived all the same things. She can hardly wrap her head around what that must be like so she squeezes her arm gently and then shakes her head. )

I can't imagine how fucked that whole situation must be.

I'm sure you told him cause you lost him before. When people die, they always regret the shit they didn't say or do when they were still alive. I'm sure it's the same for the people who remain living who have lost people.

( They have their own regrets about not doing or saying things before they lost that person like Red regrets not telling Fei, not being able to explain it all to her. )

Think you gotta be forgiving on yourself. This whole entire everything's fucked, and you're just trying to make the most of a shitty thing with what time you have and none of that's even guaranteed here.

( There's an ache to her expression but she means what she says. There's no fixing this, no making it better. Sometimes shitty things just exist as shitty as they are, but Red hears her, she does. )

It's okay. That you said it, all of it. It's okay.

[ Clara didn't know how badly she needed to talk about this. Her logical mind knows why things are the way they are, but the other part of her wants to shout about it not being fair. She isn't that naïve though, the universe doesn't care about what's fair or not. ]

Hearing that it's fucked from someone else helps. I didn't ruin anything, at least, and there are other reasons we couldn't ever—I mean, I'm human. He isn't, and in the end, my life is a blink of an eye, then what? I've only given him more hurt for his hearts to carry.

[ Closing her eyes, she realizes pops of color are swimming behind her eyelids, so no more alcohol for her. When she looks back at Red, she tries to smile at least a bit. ]

And you're right, the regret was heavy. Red, he literally ran away from me after he regenerated. I show up here and the Doctor I know is alive and well. Perfect. [ Swallowing back a lump in her throat, she shakes her head. ] He told the man in white he was afraid of what he would do to not br alone, and it shouldn't—it shouldn't be that way. I needed him to know, and now he does. He's loved. By me, by so many others.

[ There are a plethora of other emotions from the span of her life carefully boxed up and tucked away because there's no resolution to them. She'll put the in love portion of her feelings for the Doctor right next to the other complicated moments of her life and store them away, push it all to the far corners of her heart. Reaching out, her hand squeezes Red's arm in gratitude. ]

You're really good at this human thing, by the way.

Edited 2022-12-18 15:49 (UTC)

( Grief is as unfamiliar to her as connections despite spending so much time among the dead, the dead who grieved their own lives, but she never had any friends down there, and so she didn't experience loss like that.

No one can die anyway if they're already dead.

She thinks it hurts either way. Whether she's his friend or his romantic partner when he loses her (and it turns out she loses him too even if she gets him back), it would be painful, it would be a loss, but it doesn't stop them from being friends. Despite the pain of it - all lifelong relationships have to end that way, don't they? Death or gone or- But people don't stop, reaching out, making connections. No matter how much they've lost. She thinks it's brave of humans, but maybe it's- it's what living's all about. Connecting.

What would she do to stay here: away from Hades, away from her fate, away from what she was made to be? Probably not enough. )

Why did he run away from you after he regenerated? ( She doesn't... get that part. Why he'd run away when he must have known Clara, cared about her especially after all they'd gone through together. ) But yeah, that would... all be really fucking confusing and messed up.

Hard to think of the right things to say in the best of circumstances, y'know? Sometimes you'll just blurt out whatever you feel especially when you're holding it in too long. ( She sips at her liquor again lifting her eyes to look over at Clara at that comment, and she smiles - a bit pained. ) I've been watching people for awhile.

I dunno. I mean, I think I got it at first. He must've been confused and disoriented. I brushed it off when he said I looked like a short potato. [ Said with love, Strax. ] When he didn't know my name, I told myself things must be jumbled in his head. Then it just never really got any better. It was like he tolerated me.

[ And then he left her with the mechanical man. Whatever happens next, she doesn't know. River's suggested it works out, but for how long? And does this—will this—interlude change things? Clara rubs her face and draws her knees up to her chest, leaning back against the headboard. ]

I blurted. That's what I did. [ She watches Red, and a question pops into her head. ]

How did you pick your name? Red, I mean.

...well, shit, a real charmer. You do not look like a short potato. ( Red rolls her eyes at that with a wrinkle of her nose at the very thought. ) You're beautiful. Potatoes are weird and lumpy shaped. How long has it been since he regenerated?

( Maybe it takes time. She really doesn't know what that's like, has never heard anything like regeneration in her own world. Spirits make deals with gods sometimes to try to come back to life, but they're basically the same except for the experience of having died. )

People blurt. It's a thing. ( And it's okay. )

Oh. Well, Hades gave this version- uh, me a name in Purgatory High. I'd be on the list to attend classes and shit, but... I wanted one of my own so I came up with Red cause I have red hair, and don't know any people named that.

[ She smiles at the reassurance about her looks, but it fades when she thinks back to the time frame. ]

I have to guess. We stayed on Trenzelore for a while, the place he regenerated. He avoided me and I dunno how much time passed. Weeks? Maybe a month. Has he told you the TARDIS is infinite? And it can change its layout anytime? It was literally impossible for me to find him. When he finally made an appearance again we uh— [ Clara puts her face in her hands so that her voice is muffled. ]

There was a T-Rex. He got the TARDIS swallowed by a T-Rex which he brought back with him on one of those random times he ran away from me.

[ Nodding her head toward her, Clara looks just a touch jealous. ]

I always wanted red hair. There was zero chance, no one in my family's a ginger, but it's gorgeous. You're bloody gorgeous too, by the way.

( Red shakes her head in answer to the question. He'd never mentioned that before, and it's hard to wrap her head around - It's the Underworld. Its layout can change though Hades is the one that is in charge of changing it. This sounds like the Tardis itself will change it. )

...a T-Rex? Shit. That must have been shocking to suddenly be swallowed while you have no idea what's going on. Did you at least get to see it?

( That's a once in a lifetime chance to see a dinosaur after all. Red ducks her head with a tiny smile, blushing slightly. No one's ever said that to her before, and well, she's never really thought about it either, part of separating herself so much. )

Oh, uh. Thank you. ( She sips more from her cup resting her head back a bit against the bed behind her. ) Never really put much thought into dressing any certain way. Always had to wear a stupid hall monitor vest, and I didn't really make friends with the spirits so- ( lots of guarding and watching from the outside. ) But thanks.

All of Victorian-bloody-London saw it.

[ She huffs out a breath and rubs her face, but she lets out a short laugh, too. ]

A forever hall monitor. God, middle-grade me would've loved the power to be bossy for a reason. Maybe the underworld is onto something. [ She nudges Red gently. ]

Also, you're welcome. I like this, and I like that I have you. Whenever there's time, we should try to do this more often.

( Red smiles a little at the sweet and genuine way that Clara puts it. That she likes this, likes having her around. She is still getting used to how kind people in their group can be like it's so easy to make friends, like it's so simple.

Maybe it is. Maybe the Underworld complicates things. Maybe it was complicated further by how different she was, but here they're a group of people who are very used to different or strange or odd. )

...yeah, girls' nights more often. They're good for the... heart or something. ( She lifts up her cup as if in toast. ) To doing this more often.

[ Clara grins and raises her cup that's now filled with water. Have to be smart about girls' nights. Or at least semi-aware. ]

To more girls' nights. And if we ever get to a place with real food, we're getting it all. Every last bit of it, even if it makes us sick. I don't even eat a lot of junk food, and I miss it like mad.

[ She's missed this since Sabine died, feeling close to others. She'd been determined to block that part of her heart off, but here she is, making friends, caring so much that one day it'll probably hurt. But for now, she's happy. ]

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the holidays wrecked my tagging brain sdflaksdf so sorry for the slow!