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[ What had began as a day customizing a hoverboard and adding some artistic flair to an ATV had ended with the Doctor feeling more guilt-ridden than he had expected to.

While he and Tech had successfully managed to get Rokuro back to camp in one piece, their mission with Clara earlier that day had been less than ideal. Rationally he knew that there was no way they could have prepared for a soldier Sylphid with disruption technology going unnoticed, but it didn't quite matter; the guilt from having left her behind alone gnawed on him twisting the knot in his stomach. The image of Clara bleeding out on the dirt and the feel of her her blood on his hands never left his mind even while he had been fending off a canine automaton and ensuring the Rokuro could complete their mission objective.

By the time he's back at camp her blood still stains his hands and he can't help but idly think this is certainly not the time to be having a Lady Macbeth moment when he needs to keep it together. He retraces his steps towards the med bay where he had left her, cutting a stern figure amongst the others running towards the same direction or off to do damage control. He's by her bedside in moments, shooing away the nurse who had been checking in on the sleeping Clara. It's only when the nurse departs to the next bed that he grabs a chair and drags it towards the bedside before drawing the curtain around her for some privacy.

Despite the furrowed brows, he's clearly nervous if the bouncing of his leg is any indication or the occasional biting of his thumb as he waits for her to wake. At one point he accidentally knocks against the bedside table, jostling the lamp on it and he lets out a bit of a shout as he catches it very nearly elbowing Clara in the face.

...And by that we mean he definitely elbows her gently in the face. He makes awkward eye contact with her before saying - ]

Oh good. You're awake.

Edited (added link to mission thread!) 2022-10-11 02:31 (UTC)

[ She'd been in the middle of a dream that included the best of collection from the earlier fear. She can't quite get the words out of her head, or the way he'd looked at her. When she's jostled awake, she makes a soft noise and squints at the light now shining right in her face. ]

Are you trying to blind me?

[ Holding up a hand, she blocks out the light until it's pointed away from her again. ]

You made it back. [ They're words of relief, which also makes some tension leave her eyes. ]

[ Whatever nervous energy that had been previously there is suddenly masked with sarcasm. ]

Yes, Clara. I brought you all the way back through the jungle so I could blind you with a lamp.

[ Despite the biting sarcasm he's quick to put the lamp back on the table where it belongs. Once it's out of his hands he doesn't seem to know what to do with them but eventually settles for crossing them. ]

I needed to get Tech and Rokuro back. [ A beat. ] How are you feeling?

[ Clara rolls her eyes, then shifts just a little so she isn't flat on her back. Propping herself up, she looks at him and then away, unable to stop seeing that angry version of him with coldness in his voice directed at her. Clearing her throat, she assesses the rest of her body. ]

Like I participated in five triathlons back to back. My entire body feels like jelly. And my head still feels too full.

[ It isn't quite a headache, and she rubs her forehead. ] I think I'll live, though. Thanks to you.

If you played rugby in school, I'd believe it. [ He quietly accepts her thanks and after a moment scoots his chair closer to the edge of the bed. ]

I can try to empty it. [ He motions to his hands. ] I don't have my psionic powers anymore but apparently I'm more of a doctor than I was before.

You'll be happy to know I played rugby in school.

[ She smiles faintly at him before her eyes move over his face, gaze roaming his features. ]

What would you do? [ Clara wonders if she should talk to him about it, about everything the fear threw at her to make her stumble. But she's unsure of how he'd react and she doesn't want him to try and blame himself somehow. ]

Ah. Well. [ There's only the briefest of pauses when he realizes a little belatedly that up until that point Clara hadn't ever told him that. It had been a slip of the tongue - something he vaguely remembers from the early days of trying to understand the mystery that was Clara.

But like everything related to her, there's only a faceless girl in his memories dashing head first into a crowd of much taller girls trying and snatch the ball away for her team. ] Explains why you run head first into things then, doesn't it?

Lighten the load. I don't really have an explanation for it yet since it's all relatively new to me still. But I fixed Tech's head in the Troop. [ He searches her face for any sign of mistrust or hesitation. Mind stuff is always a little sticky. He wouldn't blame her if she said declined his offer but he still finds himself trying. How else would he absolve himself of the guilt he felt for how she had ended up on the mission? Not that the one act alone would fix it, but for him it would be a start. ]

[ Clara rolls her eyes but it's affectionate. Then, she thinks about his offer, weighing her choices. Picking at imaginary lint, she doesn't meet his eyes the next time she speaks. ]

Would you be able to see what you're taking away, exactly?

No. That one I know for sure.

[ He stares down at his hands still stained with her faint traces of her blood but remembering the moment in the Troop where he was helping to draw Tech out of his hallucinations. ]

This isn't a psychic power. It seems purely regenerative like when I stubbed my toe or stitched you back together.

One last question, promise.

[ She looks up at him this time, and she does meet his eyes. ]

Will I remember or will it go away?

[ There's no response from him for a moment as he reluctantly peels his gaze away from his hands when he feels her eyes on him. He gets a sneaking suspicion that Clara means more than she's saying but he's not brave enough to probe further. ]

You'll remember. Probably. Keep in mind I really only have the one case study.

[ But before she can give him an answer to his original question he asks his own. ]

Did something else happen at the tower while you were deactivating it, Clara?

[ Looking at her hands, Clara swallows, telling herself first that he doesn't really feel the way the fear tried to manipulate her. It was only an irrational fear, wasn't it? That's the rub - she's still afraid it could be possible, and she isn't sure she's ready to find out the truth. ]

You were in my head. All of you, all of your faces. And you all wondered why I'd be worth remembering. I was supposed to save you, but have I, really? All I've done is force you to live and fight and fight some more. Even though I know you're tired. Knowing me and how I fit into your past doesn't help you.

[ He's died 14 times, she isn't sure any part of her is as good at saving him as she thinks. ]

[ Any time Clara mentions their past together the white noise grows and he has to stop himself from going too far down a rabbit hole of, "but I have no way to be sure that that was actually you." In all truthfulness, he wants it to be her. He likes Clara. Her pluckiness. The cleverness, the boldness, her dimple. Hell, he's even taken a shine to the bossiness.

So why couldn't he just take the leap and tether with her?

Maybe it's fear and the possibility that she isn't the person in his memories. Or if he's being honest with himself, if it really is Clara, that would make the truth all the more devastating.

Everything she says has some basis of truth, however. He had been ready to let go and be done with all - the traveling, the saving, the adventures. And then he hadn't. He had been given another lease on life because of Clara. The details of whether or not it is or isn't her that did that were besides the point. Whichever way he cut it he didn't think that he blamed her. Was he tired of changing his face? Yes. Was he tired of losing people in his life while he marched on? Without a doubt.

But that wasn't Clara's fault.

He rests his hand besides hers on the bed, finger tips barely touching. His voice is gentle, gentler than it probably has been since arriving on the Broken Worlds. ]

You didn't force me to do anything. I might have to keep on fighting but I also get to keep on living which - [ He gives her a light hearted eyebrow raise. ] sounds like a pretty good deal if you ask me. I could be doing none of that. You gave me that choice.

[ Clara promised him she wouldn't talk about this anymore, but she gets to the root of her fear, the thing that deep down made it easier for the voices of the Doctor to come through. It isn't so much about the tethering anymore - even though it's what it would take for him to remember her fully. ]

I really thought I might die. For the first time, I was properly scared for my own life. [ Of course, she doesn't know that when they leave here, it'll get so much worse. She swallows and looks down, taking a deep breath and letting it out shakily. Her fingertip grazes one of his. ]

All I could think when I was laying there, waiting for you to come back, was that I'd die and you'd never really know me again. That felt worse than being shot.

[ There was also knowing she'd die without saying the things she always should have; she likely still won't now that she knows she'll live. She should, but she doesn't want to face the fallout. ]

Tech and I shouldn't have left in the first place. But I wouldn't have let you die, Clara. You were under our care. My care.

[ But Clara's admission draws a look of surprise from him that quickly gives way to a frown as he processes her words. After a moment of studying her face he speaks. ]

You mean that, don't you? [ It would be silly to question the validity of her feelings. The gravity behind her words derived from a place of truth. In his mind, her life would always be more important than his or his lack of memory of her. But he remembers her hallucination of Gallifrey burning – a place she shouldn't have been in the first place – and then the ensuing conversation.

Without thinking he grips her fingers and the gravelly protest spills from his lips as he shakes his head. His eyebrows look like they're even furious at her for thinking that. ] You shouldn't – your life is more important than any of that. Do you know how I felt watching you bleed out, Clara? Do you know how Tech felt knowing that he didn't pick up any trace of that soldier?

Edited 2022-10-13 19:27 (UTC)

[ It's a struggle for her to come up with anything in response to that. When she finally does, there's a tense quality to her voice as though she's trying not to cry, speaking around a lump in her throat. ]

I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking about your feelings when I woke up after being shot. I was thinking about watching every face of yours tell me that you died anyway, so what's the point of me? [ She hasn't moved her hand away, holding onto his hand tightly even as she continues. ]

Do you know how many of us there are who wouldn't hesitate to do anything you asked? I'm no more special than anyone else you've traveled with. That's what happened at the tower, those are the things you were saying. [ When she lets go of his hand, it's so that she can wrap her arms around herself. ] The Sylphid figured out what would break me and it nearly worked, Doctor.

[ Her words cut straight through his hearts. The worst of it all is that he knows that what she's saying is true. Everyone he's travelled with and cared for in some capacity would go to the end of the universe for him if he asked. Their love for him is a gift he knows he can't ever repay, and at his worst, something that he doesn't think he deserves.

There's bite to his words at first than he means to inject. ]

Don't you ever say or think that there's no point in you, Clara. Ever, do you understand?

[ His reluctance for touch seems to be momentarily forgotten, blinded by the frustration brought on by those words from her mouth and the anger he feels towards the Sylphid for giving her that inclination in the first place. The Doctor tries to reach for her hand again even though she's pulled away. ]

You are so important, Clara. Every atom of you. We couldn't have completed that mission without you. This is me saying the truth to you now, not whatever image the Sylphid conjured up, or rude voice in your mind.

[ She doesn't know what does it, but her eyes fill with tears at his words, letting him take her hand. She holds onto him as he finishes, an errant tear slipping down her cheek. ]

I know. [ Her voice comes out quietly, the only thing she can think to say for a few seconds as her hand holds onto his tightly, this time not planning to let go until he does. ]

But it wasn't his fault or your fault anything happened to me. And nothing would've gone right at all if you hadn't been out there with him. [ She selfishly and silently wishes for just a second that he was still the same person who didn't holding onto her, but she'll take his hand as long as she can. ]

[ It's as if he can read her mind. Or maybe it's because he clues in that maybe this might be a good time as any to hug someone that needs one. He might not be Bowtie anymore but he's still got parts of him that will likely never leave even if it annoys him to think about it.

There's a moment of internal hesitation for a brief moment before he pushes through it and he moves from the chair to the bed to pull her into an (awkward) embrace.

The Doctor knew that if Tech had been hurt he would have felt guilty too. But dwelling on the past and all the what-if's had never served him well. What mattered was right in front of him. It was that thought alone that makes him hold her closer. ]

[ The hug is so unexpected that at first she doesn't hug him back, but that confusion only lasts for seconds before her arms are around him the best they can be. There's something about actually being in his arms that makes her cry harder, her tears soaking his shirt. She hasn't cried in front of him like this since Bowtie (as the Doctor now unaffectionately calls his former self).

When Clara finally gets ahold of herself, she's already apologizing as she sniffles and wipes at her eyes. ]

Sorry. Those tears should wash right out. [ She tries to make a joke and takes a deep breath, swallowing down words that are dangerously close to the tip of her tongue. ]

[ The Doctor could be insensitive at times to others' tears but his body had such a noticeable reaction to Clara's sobs and the way it wracked her frame. He had seen her eyes tear up, and hold them back since their arrival here but it wasn't like this. Thankfully his face isn't facing her as she apologizes and when they do eventually part, the expression on his face doesn't betray anything of what he had felt. ]

Ah well I've had worse.

[ Clara sniffles again and huffs out what's supposed to be a laugh before looking at him again. ]

I really did it, you were able to blow up the tower?

[ It's all so fuzzy after she was shot, all she remembers is using the sonics on the missiles. ]

We were, thanks to you. A pudding brain wouldn't have been able to do that.

[ When he pulls back his hand lingers there for a brief moment as if searching for any remnants of warmth. ]

That was you, Clara.

[ She hasn't asked in such a long time, not since the Russian sub, because she'd never needed to ask from that point forward - the Doctor was never short on praise, telling her that she'd done well, was brilliant and beautiful with that brain of hers. But he says it less now, and Clara realizes she didn't realize he was still proud of her.

All she can do is nod and try not to cry again, leaning into him. ]

I did alright then, I s'pose. [ There's an attempt at a smile but she closes her eyes instead, soaking up whatever attention he's willing to give her. ]

Better than alright. All the Witches kept going on about was how difficult that spell was to learn and you managed to do that.

[ He wanted her to know how genuinely he meant it. Even if she wasn't the Clara from his memories, it didn't diminish her light. ]

That just tells me you're a fast learner. I bet the kids you teach are lucky. They might not all grow up to be absolute pudding brains.

Edited 2022-10-15 04:59 (UTC)

action — post october missions

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