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[ Looking at her hands, Clara swallows, telling herself first that he doesn't really feel the way the fear tried to manipulate her. It was only an irrational fear, wasn't it? That's the rub - she's still afraid it could be possible, and she isn't sure she's ready to find out the truth. ]

You were in my head. All of you, all of your faces. And you all wondered why I'd be worth remembering. I was supposed to save you, but have I, really? All I've done is force you to live and fight and fight some more. Even though I know you're tired. Knowing me and how I fit into your past doesn't help you.

[ He's died 14 times, she isn't sure any part of her is as good at saving him as she thinks. ]

[ Any time Clara mentions their past together the white noise grows and he has to stop himself from going too far down a rabbit hole of, "but I have no way to be sure that that was actually you." In all truthfulness, he wants it to be her. He likes Clara. Her pluckiness. The cleverness, the boldness, her dimple. Hell, he's even taken a shine to the bossiness.

So why couldn't he just take the leap and tether with her?

Maybe it's fear and the possibility that she isn't the person in his memories. Or if he's being honest with himself, if it really is Clara, that would make the truth all the more devastating.

Everything she says has some basis of truth, however. He had been ready to let go and be done with all - the traveling, the saving, the adventures. And then he hadn't. He had been given another lease on life because of Clara. The details of whether or not it is or isn't her that did that were besides the point. Whichever way he cut it he didn't think that he blamed her. Was he tired of changing his face? Yes. Was he tired of losing people in his life while he marched on? Without a doubt.

But that wasn't Clara's fault.

He rests his hand besides hers on the bed, finger tips barely touching. His voice is gentle, gentler than it probably has been since arriving on the Broken Worlds. ]

You didn't force me to do anything. I might have to keep on fighting but I also get to keep on living which - [ He gives her a light hearted eyebrow raise. ] sounds like a pretty good deal if you ask me. I could be doing none of that. You gave me that choice.

[ Clara promised him she wouldn't talk about this anymore, but she gets to the root of her fear, the thing that deep down made it easier for the voices of the Doctor to come through. It isn't so much about the tethering anymore - even though it's what it would take for him to remember her fully. ]

I really thought I might die. For the first time, I was properly scared for my own life. [ Of course, she doesn't know that when they leave here, it'll get so much worse. She swallows and looks down, taking a deep breath and letting it out shakily. Her fingertip grazes one of his. ]

All I could think when I was laying there, waiting for you to come back, was that I'd die and you'd never really know me again. That felt worse than being shot.

[ There was also knowing she'd die without saying the things she always should have; she likely still won't now that she knows she'll live. She should, but she doesn't want to face the fallout. ]

Tech and I shouldn't have left in the first place. But I wouldn't have let you die, Clara. You were under our care. My care.

[ But Clara's admission draws a look of surprise from him that quickly gives way to a frown as he processes her words. After a moment of studying her face he speaks. ]

You mean that, don't you? [ It would be silly to question the validity of her feelings. The gravity behind her words derived from a place of truth. In his mind, her life would always be more important than his or his lack of memory of her. But he remembers her hallucination of Gallifrey burning – a place she shouldn't have been in the first place – and then the ensuing conversation.

Without thinking he grips her fingers and the gravelly protest spills from his lips as he shakes his head. His eyebrows look like they're even furious at her for thinking that. ] You shouldn't – your life is more important than any of that. Do you know how I felt watching you bleed out, Clara? Do you know how Tech felt knowing that he didn't pick up any trace of that soldier?

Edited 2022-10-13 19:27 (UTC)

[ It's a struggle for her to come up with anything in response to that. When she finally does, there's a tense quality to her voice as though she's trying not to cry, speaking around a lump in her throat. ]

I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking about your feelings when I woke up after being shot. I was thinking about watching every face of yours tell me that you died anyway, so what's the point of me? [ She hasn't moved her hand away, holding onto his hand tightly even as she continues. ]

Do you know how many of us there are who wouldn't hesitate to do anything you asked? I'm no more special than anyone else you've traveled with. That's what happened at the tower, those are the things you were saying. [ When she lets go of his hand, it's so that she can wrap her arms around herself. ] The Sylphid figured out what would break me and it nearly worked, Doctor.

[ Her words cut straight through his hearts. The worst of it all is that he knows that what she's saying is true. Everyone he's travelled with and cared for in some capacity would go to the end of the universe for him if he asked. Their love for him is a gift he knows he can't ever repay, and at his worst, something that he doesn't think he deserves.

There's bite to his words at first than he means to inject. ]

Don't you ever say or think that there's no point in you, Clara. Ever, do you understand?

[ His reluctance for touch seems to be momentarily forgotten, blinded by the frustration brought on by those words from her mouth and the anger he feels towards the Sylphid for giving her that inclination in the first place. The Doctor tries to reach for her hand again even though she's pulled away. ]

You are so important, Clara. Every atom of you. We couldn't have completed that mission without you. This is me saying the truth to you now, not whatever image the Sylphid conjured up, or rude voice in your mind.

[ She doesn't know what does it, but her eyes fill with tears at his words, letting him take her hand. She holds onto him as he finishes, an errant tear slipping down her cheek. ]

I know. [ Her voice comes out quietly, the only thing she can think to say for a few seconds as her hand holds onto his tightly, this time not planning to let go until he does. ]

But it wasn't his fault or your fault anything happened to me. And nothing would've gone right at all if you hadn't been out there with him. [ She selfishly and silently wishes for just a second that he was still the same person who didn't holding onto her, but she'll take his hand as long as she can. ]

[ It's as if he can read her mind. Or maybe it's because he clues in that maybe this might be a good time as any to hug someone that needs one. He might not be Bowtie anymore but he's still got parts of him that will likely never leave even if it annoys him to think about it.

There's a moment of internal hesitation for a brief moment before he pushes through it and he moves from the chair to the bed to pull her into an (awkward) embrace.

The Doctor knew that if Tech had been hurt he would have felt guilty too. But dwelling on the past and all the what-if's had never served him well. What mattered was right in front of him. It was that thought alone that makes him hold her closer. ]

[ The hug is so unexpected that at first she doesn't hug him back, but that confusion only lasts for seconds before her arms are around him the best they can be. There's something about actually being in his arms that makes her cry harder, her tears soaking his shirt. She hasn't cried in front of him like this since Bowtie (as the Doctor now unaffectionately calls his former self).

When Clara finally gets ahold of herself, she's already apologizing as she sniffles and wipes at her eyes. ]

Sorry. Those tears should wash right out. [ She tries to make a joke and takes a deep breath, swallowing down words that are dangerously close to the tip of her tongue. ]

[ The Doctor could be insensitive at times to others' tears but his body had such a noticeable reaction to Clara's sobs and the way it wracked her frame. He had seen her eyes tear up, and hold them back since their arrival here but it wasn't like this. Thankfully his face isn't facing her as she apologizes and when they do eventually part, the expression on his face doesn't betray anything of what he had felt. ]

Ah well I've had worse.

[ Clara sniffles again and huffs out what's supposed to be a laugh before looking at him again. ]

I really did it, you were able to blow up the tower?

[ It's all so fuzzy after she was shot, all she remembers is using the sonics on the missiles. ]

We were, thanks to you. A pudding brain wouldn't have been able to do that.

[ When he pulls back his hand lingers there for a brief moment as if searching for any remnants of warmth. ]

That was you, Clara.

[ She hasn't asked in such a long time, not since the Russian sub, because she'd never needed to ask from that point forward - the Doctor was never short on praise, telling her that she'd done well, was brilliant and beautiful with that brain of hers. But he says it less now, and Clara realizes she didn't realize he was still proud of her.

All she can do is nod and try not to cry again, leaning into him. ]

I did alright then, I s'pose. [ There's an attempt at a smile but she closes her eyes instead, soaking up whatever attention he's willing to give her. ]

Better than alright. All the Witches kept going on about was how difficult that spell was to learn and you managed to do that.

[ He wanted her to know how genuinely he meant it. Even if she wasn't the Clara from his memories, it didn't diminish her light. ]

That just tells me you're a fast learner. I bet the kids you teach are lucky. They might not all grow up to be absolute pudding brains.

Edited 2022-10-15 04:59 (UTC)

[ She laughs softly at his comment, the sound still a little wobbly from crying. Her hand squeezes his before she confesses quielty: ]

I always want to make you proud of me.

[ For some reason she can't look at him after saying it, her cheeks turning red. She's never admitted it out loud, she's never even wanted that so badly with her parents. But him? What the Doctor thinks is important. It means more than anything to her. ]

Edited 2022-10-15 15:38 (UTC)

[ Clara's statement draws a look of genuine surprise across his face and his brows furrow in thought. ]

Me? I'm just a daft old man without a blue box.

[ The surprise doesn't come from not knowing her; he'd be surprised too even if he did. Of course he thinks he's a genius and that sometimes it isn't recognized enough but, for someone to want to him to be proud of them is another matter entirely. ]

If you say so. [ She says that with no malice, just a soft smile at him. It doesn't make any sense to tell him the truth of it until he's ready to hear it. ]

When can I go back to my flat? This isn't exactly screaming homey.

[ The puzzled look on his face remains for a brief moment before he glances around the space. ]

Probably whenever you feel like it. The only person in charge seems to have left a while ago.

[ Probably a good thing too. They hadn't been exactly pleased to see him bustle back through the building after he had rudely told them to get out of his way. He extends a hand towards Clara. ]

Need an escort?

[ Clara takes his hand. ]

Always. And not that I need a babysitter or anything but...would you mind staying for a bit? Maybe show me more things on the sonic.

[ She isn't ready to be alone yet, even if she knows the seconds she's comfortable again she'll likely fall asleep. ]

[ His fingers curl automatically around hers helping her out of the bed and making sure she's steady on her feet. ]

Well if it's to tutor you on the sonic...

[ Even though he isn't saying it he's reluctant to let her out of his sight too. The memory of her shaking body still hasn't faded from his mind and the effect it had on him still lingers. ]

[ Both hands rest in his for a few beats before letting go to hold onto only one. She doesn't let go as they walk and without saying anything at all, she lets her fingers interlock with his. It's a statement, that she's here and solid and with him.

Letting them into her one-room flat, she's decorated with a few plants and pieces of artwork. There are already more books scattered about than anything else. And there, right next to her bed, is the little bird. ]

Don't mind the books. Working on recommended magical reading.

[ When he feels her hand grip hers, he lets her. There's no desire to pull away. No sense of creeping discomfort that usually comes from someone encroaching on his personal space. Just security and warmth.

He follows her obediently back towards her flat, leaving the day of mission behind them. Despite noting the mechanical bird he doesn't say anything although his eyes linger before moving towards the books to examine them. He looks at titles recognizing several that Obi-Wan had been reading. ]

Did you ask someone for a recommended list?

There are classes, so I picked up a list and looked them up at the library. Did you know I started working there, by the way? If I'm not going to be chipped I'll need to make more money to accommodate this lavish lifestyle.

[ She smirks and tugs her sonic out of her pocket, sitting on the couch and sitting cross-legged, facing him. ]

Alright, show me what this bad boy can do. Actually, she. I've named her Pheobe.

You paid for all of this?

[ He suddenly realizes how kitted out her flat actually is. The Doctor hadn't necessarily put a ton of effort into decorating his flat so much as he had simply accumulated things by bartering or making use of things that the Witches had discarded. Another man's trash was a Time Lord's treasure after all.

The Doctor cares less about the money and more about Clara's newly christened sonic screwdriver. He sits down beside her, lips twisting. ]

Why Pheobe?

[ Clara gives him a small smile as she examines it proudly. ]

Mother of the moon and stars goddess, granddaughter of the goddess of witchcraft. I dunno, seemed appropriate. I think it works, don't you?

Edited 2022-10-16 14:41 (UTC)

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